This website is a declaration of my experience of extreme child abuse and living with its effects. It is a followup of a previous website, garyp99.tripod.com where I describe the memories of abuse I uncovered at that time. 15 years later, I have uncovered more memories (while doing healing processes) that are consistent with the original ones.
Currently I am undergoing a second period of intense emotional healing in my life. While this is occurring, I am uncovering more memories of abuse, and these memories are consistent with memories I have previously recovered. I am also trying to heal the many hundreds of pieces of my mind that are still separated from me by the systematic abuse. Although I am experiencing a lot of fear, I am continuing with this process because there is just no point to continue living my life as I was. My life has been constantly restricted by fear, and I have never been able to create any kind of success in my life. there simply is no valid reason to continue trying to live any kind of normal life. It is just pointless. It hasn't been possible and now there is no longer any point in trying to start from nothing to achieve career goals. Im nearly 50, and I have achieved no material gain in life. I give up on material gain. I have already achieved significant spiritual gain and I have decided that this is the only thing worth having. Actually its really difficult to let go of material gain. but gradually, I am able to.
According to memories That I always had, combined with memories that I recovered when I was about 28 years old, I have an understanding of the experience of my life. Memories that I am recovering now consistently add to this and elaborate on the mind control and ECT used to brainwash me.
In pre-school years, I lived in Adelaide, Australia. After birth, I believe I was taken from my real mother and put in the care of German Immigrants. These parent figures (now dead) were physically violent with me, as was the girl in their "care" who was 3 years older than me. I was terrified of all of them. During this period, they profited from selling me for sex in my own bedroom. I recall payment being made with one (or more) orange bills (Australian 20$ bill)
When I was 4 years old, this family moved to Melbourne, Australia. While at pre-school, I already had trouble socializing and once I started school, I sometimes attacked other students. The school insisted upon professional intervention. As an adult, I obtained copies of records of this intervention by FoI, which dated the intervention to grade 2 and 3, and identified The Observatory Clinic as a name of the organization. For a while I was placed on 2 different antipsychotics. However, no documentation existed for grade 4, where I went every Monday afternoon to The Observatory Clinic or a location at the same site in the Domain. Despite all these visits I have very few memories of them that I retained all my life. Other memories of this time and place came when I recovered memories of abuse, and can be read at garyp99.tripod.com
During grade 4 (and possibly before and after), I believe I was subjected to different brainwashing techniques including ECT (electroshock). I believe that some of my silence/suicide/murder programming comes from this time.
In later elementary school years, I became obsessed with a girl in my class and stalked her in grade 5. later in that year I attacked her with a knife, a memory I never lost. I have always been aware that I held myself back during that attack and only allowed myself to slash at her bag with the pocketknife my stepmother gave me. I had the mental thoughts to attack her body, but I resisted. This event terrified me and I did everything in my power to prevent myself from attacking anyone ever again. I have achieved this goal. It is obvious to me now that my murder brainwashing had already been put in place, but perhaps leaked out early.
By the time I finished elementary school and began secondary school, I had transformed from a bully to being bullied. I was bullied for being weak and timid, accused of being gay. I was so afraid of retribution that I was unable to fight back except in extreme circumstances. My fear came from the earlier programming. As well as being bullied at school, I continued to be bullied at home by my stepsister, and also psychologically manipulated by my stepmother almost daily. At this stage, I haven't recovered memories of ritual abuse or medical experimentation after I finished elementary school.
In grade 12, after years of bullying, I struck out at one of the bullies, and then all the bullies stopped bullying me. After all the years of the school ignoring my treatment, and "pushing it under the rug" when I reported it, I was finally able to stop it by standing up for myself - precisely what the school staff repeatedly advised me not to do ('don't fight back, report it to us'). After that, due to an expectation of failing grade 12 due to the bullying interfering with my studies, I dropped out and repeated grade 12 the next year - following the advice of the same teachers who never did anything to help me while I was being bullied.
After secondary school I went to university to study Science. During this time I learned many basic social skills that I should have learned in elementary school - but didn't have the opportunity.
After completing my degree in 1992, I left Melbourne and continued studying in Brisbane, Australia, for another year. Although I left my stepfamily's home, I moved to a city where my oldest stepsister lived. It became her job to stay in touch with me and she often contacted me to request help with something.After I finished studying, I was unable to develop a career. I was too unstable and I repeatedly abandoned anything that I was building in my life. My contact with my stepfamily gradually reduced.When I was about 29, I experienced a breakdown and my mind was unable to guide me further in my life. A little voice in my head said that it knew what to do, and I agreed to follow its lead. I immediately broke down crying and continued with this daily for 3 weeks. Then, I experienced a series of images appear in my minds eye, showing the different kinds of abuse that I experienced, including the identity of some of the perpetrators. Almost daily crying continued for another 3 months, while I worked part time. Some more memories of abuse arose. These memories filled in huge gaps in awareness of my childhood, and they also completely explained the problems I was having in my life. After this I began to research these memories and communicate with others (mostly in the USA) that also had memories like mine. Eventually I found a group of people whose experiences of life and problems most matched mine, and they all had memories of Satanic Ritual Abuse and Military programming.During this time I also confronted my stepfamily about my memories of their actions. I began to refuse to keep in touch with them. However, my stepmother managed to influence my by telephone, to sabotage a job that I had at the time. Secretly influencing me using hypnotic techniques, as well as contacting others associated with my job to tell them I had done bad things in the past. After this time I refused to even speak to her on the phone, for fear of being manipulated by her. This began a time where I was mostly free of their influence. At the time I thought I was free. However, soon after the sabotage of my job, I realized that it was still possible for my stepmother to control me by commands over the phone, while I was unaware of the manipulation. From that time, I didn't want to have any contact with my stepfamily. My stepmother continued to contact me occasionally by email.
For a few years I ignored their occasional offers of money, and during this time my life went a lot better and became more stable. I was able to become more independent and financially stable. I feel that this time was the first period of my life that I was relatively free of their ongoing manipulation - if not the effect of them on my life. Years later in 2007, I requested some money from them that they had previously offered, in order to do a healing course I couldn't afford but really wanted to do. This course (Design Your Destiny by Christopher Howard) helped me gain a lot more freedom in my life and really it changed my life so much for the better. It allowed me to have enough courage to leave Australia and live overseas. That was an amazing result as I was terrified of leaving Australia. After that I again refused money from them, but allowed them to stay in touch by email. I refused to speak to them by phone. At the time It made me feel differently about my family and the attitude I had toward them. I became less bitter about what happened to me. Now I feel that this money kept me silent for many years. But other than that effect, I have no clear sense I was being manipulated in any way. And I don't feel very resentful about this effect. It was enough that I was being held back in my life by a large number of limiting beliefs of which I wasn't aware of back then.
In 2008 (less than a year after doing the Design Your Destiny course, I started to live in Thailand and work as a teacher, all the while not receiving any money from my stepfamily. While overseas, I found my life so much easier, and I didn't want to return to Australia at all. I quite enjoyed my life and my level of fear was much less. In 2010 my stepfamily offered me money again, and I accepted as it gave me the opportunity to repay in full my university study debt. Additionally it gave me some extra money to use as I wished. Until that time I had struggled with money, never allowing myself to save much. I used this money to go traveling, and visited Australia for 3 weeks without contacting my stepfamily - in order to cut any ties I still had with Australia. I had left a few small boxes of things with friends and I gave away most of these things. Later I moved to Vietnam to work as a teacher. During this time I still had some money from my stepfamily, and became increasingly concerned about its effect on me. I felt it restricted my freedom, but I wasn't sure how.
I lived without any contact with my stepfamily during this time. However they contacted me about the death of my stepfather. I felt nothing. No sadness. One or 2 years later, they contacted me about the illness and death of my stepmother. I was elated for 2 whole days. It was the greatest thing I had ever heard. Eventually, my work in Vietnam became less and I started to use up my savings. Increasingly I felt I had to continue using it up, to regain my freedom.
In 2013 I had the opportunity to have my name removed from the ownership of 2 properties that my stepfamily had me cosign in the early 1990s. This was the last step in cutting myself off from that family. Maybe they are still active in cults, or not. I don't know. They offered me money in exchange, but I refused, even though I had little. Accepting that money would have compromised my freedom. I also refused any money from my stepmothers estate, for the same reason.
In 2015 I returned to Australia. upon arrival, I was overwhelmed with fear and I had a really difficult time dealing with my situation. I lived in a tent in a forest on abandoned land. I eventually used up all my money, and finally felt that I had exhausted the 'silence money' from my stepfamily. Once that occurred, I experienced another 'breakdown' of my programming and an enormous release of emotion, which still continues more than 2 weeks later.
During my 7 years overseas, I learned to live mostly be my hearts desire, rather than by my mind's instructions. While I was away form Australia, I was able to live without many of the fears that crippled my life. Now I have no money, but Im finally free of the direct influence of my stepfamily. Yet Im still healing the damage that they and others did. The government and the media also avoids exposing ritual abuse because it is a tool those in power wish to use, worth sacrificing innocent lives for. Lives like mine.
Gradually, My view of those things that happened to me has changed over time. At first my life was so difficult and when I recovered the memories that explained my troubles, I felt really shocked and angry. I had a really material point of view. Over time my attitude has become more and more spiritual, while my anger and negative emotions about my experiences have reduced - along with the limitations on my life and happiness. Perhaps my spiritual point of view, which includes much less blaming and even sympathy for the difficult lives that my stepfamily had, is not realistic, but it cant be denied that it really is associated with improvement in my experience of life. Some people consider spirituality delusional, and feel that forgiveness of the people that did bad things to me is absolutely the wrong way to go about it. But, after not knowing what happiness even was until I was 30, I want as much of it as I can get. Not going on the warpath allows me to get happiness in my life. However, I also want to help stop this happening to others in the future. Yet I'm not really sure how I can do this. I have seen some people speak out about this and not really achieve much. Especially in this time of war, those in power are exerting more control over the media and while the majority of people still watch TV and rely on the mass media for their world view, this issue will remain sidelined. Spiritually, I understand there is a time and place for things to change, and I feel that is coming soon.